1. when you see two identical people walking side-by-side down the street you probably think: "neat. twins."

not me.

rather, i see a homicidal killing machine - twice. every set of twins, in every part of the world, exists for one reason: to murder me. i am scared of them. they are the perfect assassins if you think about it. i have known this for years and figured i'd tell the world now. but fear not, my friend: the only blood they seek is mine.

2. i am also terrified of kites. if i encounter the horrific site of twins flying kites, i stay inside for a month, embracing myself in order to calm the death-fearing shakes...

3. i have begun to scream at random times during the day. usually in public during the exact moments that i shouldn't be screaming.

4. the toilets in the southern hemisphere swirl to the left, or counter-clockwise, or, if you speak that monkey-language that they call british-english, anti-clockwise. this is, of course, all just an urban legend anyway.

5. WWWWAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. just before the new year (2006) someone asked me if i had any new year's resolutions. i thought about all that had happened in the previous year and after some time i settled on a resolution based on revenge. i had remembered a day in lisbon, portugal, when, while waiting for some friends, a bird dropped a gob of white dung on my head. this irriated me so completely due to the inordinate number of times that this has happened to me in my life, so i formed a plan for the new year then. here it is, along with a few others:

(by the way, every guy in portugal is named pedro.)

7. i resolve to hang my ass off the edge of a tall building (at least once a month) and attempt to shit on any passing birds.

8. i resolve to change my routine of brushing my teeth. do you know what i mean? do you always brush them in the same pattern? like bottom left side first, then top left, then front right, and so on... i do, and have done so for years. that's going to change in 2006.

9. i resolve to WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

10. excuse me. i resolve to travel more.

11. i resolve to kill more mosquitoes and complain about toucans less often.

12. i resolve to date a woman only because i truly feel for her and i see a potential future between us. way too often in my life i have been attracted to a girl, gone on a few dates, slept with her, then slept with her again, then gone on a few more dates, and then six months later realized i am in a full-blown relationship with a woman that i don't even like. i cannot tell you how many times i have done that, and i resolve to never do it again.

13. one of those resolutions is actually true. i came up with it after a serious discussion with my finnish pal tommi. we sat at a table in cali, colombia and discussed what we would change, and we both agreed on one of the preceeding resolutions...but i can't remember which one.

14. so i guess i'll scrap them all and wait until next year!

15. oh shit! are those twins?!?!? WWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

keep on keepin' on,
mike